And in my kinder, gentler (i.e., more feminine) approach to all of this, the bad people were never
discarded but instead were sent to training or counseling or to some other job better suited to their temperament.
I awoke each day prepared to do battle against evil and to make the world a bit safer for everyone.
What I failed to realize is the extent to which anger fueled my campaign - anger at my parents for
how they had (mis)treated me as a child, anger at teachers who had seemingly thwarted my progress, anger at bosses who failed
to listen, and anger at God for creating a cruel world.
And even when I did become aware of how angry I was, I didn't understand how destructive, particularly
self-destructive, it was.
Rabbi Marc Gellman said on "Good Morning, America" in February that being angry and harboring a grudge
is a lot like swallowing poison and expecting it to hurt the other person.
Recent studies have shown that angry people have more trouble forming and sustaining intimate relationships.
We victimize ourselves with our anger, and we generally don't have a clue that we are doing it.
So, how do you get rid of the anger? What if you came to realize that every misguided, bizarre, destructive
or even "evil" act performed by anyone was driven by fear - fear of losing a job, fear of losing a mate, fear of being too
stupid or too fat, for example - and made perfect sense to that individual at that moment, given their knowledge, skill and
prior life experiences?
Coming to understand that you would have behaved exactly the same way had you lived their life is
the key to forgiveness. They can't help themselves, So forgive them, and work to increase their knowledge or skills to reduce
fear and elicit more productive behavior in the future.
This advice applies to yourself most importantly. All those stupid things you've done made sense
at the time, so forgive yourself and focus your energy on learning to improve.
Good leaders stay above the battlefield, refusing to assign blame. And in their clear-headed thoughtfulness,
they are able to chart a constructive course for all of us.
Leaders and managers - male or female - who understand this concept develop an open, trusting style
that brings out the best in everyone, their employees, their colleagues, their bosses, their customers and their families.
Women who have already fine-tuned their technical skills will find managing to forgive their best
weapon against the glass ceiling. And they'll live longer too.
Cowan-Gascoigne is founder and president of the Leadership Co., a Cleveland consulting firm.
She was formerly an executive at the Cleveland Clinic and a consultant with McKinsey & Co.
This article
was originally printed in the Working Women column in the Business Section of The Plain Dealer on Sunday, March 16, 1997.
